It’s true that each of us have skeletons in our cupboard – and it’s also true that we don’t have to take on another person’s story/prison bars but….
Imagine that you are 90 and have lived a long and fulfilling life – the kind of life that means that you have met your demons/shortcomings and come to peace within yourself. A life that now you can look back on and see that much of what you felt was a real crisis at the time, was actually nothing in comparison to what you suffered later… and then when you look at the painful thing that happened later, you can see that it was nothing in comparison to the more painful thing that happened even later…and so on. Then you realise that the reason that you see any of these happenings as painful, is that you suffer; but that once you suffer something even worse, the lesser thing doesn’t actually seem so bad.
You realise that the things seem bad at the time anyway though – and look further, to find that things are bad at the time because you become dramatic about it and the reason that the next thing seems worse – is not necessarily because it is worse, but because you are caught in the drama of that thing, whereas the other thing… has passed by now… and you are not caught in the drama of it anymore.
Then you see that sometimes, the past drama won’t go away. That each time you think any thought that reminds you of it, you become caught up in it again as if it is still happening and you realise that it is as if the past drama that isn’t happening anymore on the outside, is happening on the inside – the inside of you.
Oh no! Now you realize that it’s actually hard to judge what is happening on the outside for what it is – because you no longer have a clean inside to reflect it – you see it through all the dramas that are stuck inside you; in fact, it begins to seem like you are the drama – and yet, you can’t help but be stuck with the idea that the drama started with someone/something else…outside of you!
‘In, out? Inside, outside? Inner world, outer world? How can I tell?’ You begin to oscillate in your reactions to happenings, finding yourself in one drama after another; one moment thinking that it is because of a drama inside you that got stuck and another moment thinking it is because of something happening outside of you. Even when you think it is because of a drama stuck inside of you, it still seems as if that started outside of you too!
You have arrived in the construct of the ‘blame-game’ without realizing it.
Realising the state you are in, you panic a little and within this discomfort maybe you tell yourself that you are okay – it is not your fault – you are a good person – and it is other people’s fault that you are in this pickle. But then you feel negative towards them anyway and so you try to reason things through and arrive at Universal analogies, like ‘we all mess up’ and ‘where I have landed is a collusion of my own mistakes and confusions and other people’s.’ But even though you see this – and it gives temporary relief not to be angry with yourself or others – it doesn’t show you how to no longer be effected by the apparent dramas in your inner and outer world. It seems that you are doomed to suffer.
You exist trying to distract yourself and copying others who are also existing by filling in their time with things that seem important, worthwhile, pleasurable and anything but pathetic – but inside, when you are alone, you know you are faking it – and you wonder who else out there is faking it too, however well they seem to be coming over. It seems that success is about appearing as though you have it ‘sorted’ but it eats into your heart that you know the truth… that you don’t have it all worked out at all and not only that, you can’t find anyone else that seems to have it all worked out either…(although there are an array of people who are shiny and confident, acting as if they do – but you see that they are reliant on popularity to sustain themselves… and you see how their mouths turn down when they think no-one is looking).
So in the hope of finding some comfort, you join with others who are talking the talk; they are saying that this life of ours is filled with illusion and that we have all copied one another in a vain attempt to become more substantial and capable. You group with these people and try to adopt their solution. You do find some comfort in this but still when you return home, alone, you admit to yourself that you still feel lost and that actually, even these groups seem like another drama. Again, you find yourself in a loop, wondering how to find the truth within all these different dramas: Where the dream ends and reality begins.
You consider all manner of desperate things like walking a thousand miles with only a handful of coins before returning – hoping that something really phenomenal might happen if you were to make such efforts but you see this is yet another drama playing out and that actually, you simply cannot stop them. You realise you are in this hole deeply and have no way to get out.
You weep. Give up. Wake up. Pray. Yes, pray – ‘I never pray. I will pray now, because I have nothing left and if there is something conscious out there that can hear me, then I must let it know I am in deep trouble here. I will pray – what have I to lose?’ You pray.
‘Dear God, I am sorry that I haven’t been in touch for a while and feel guilty and bad that I don’t thank you for this planet and I’m sure you help me but I cannot tell – and I should thank you for that – but all that aside, I am in deep trouble now and I need your help. I don’t know who I am – I seem to be so many identities all rolled into one – and this ‘one’ malfunctions and conflicts so much of the time. I am not happy and I cannot find an example of a man that I want to be like…. I fail at all that I try for and can’t live superficially as others seems to manage to – I feel that I am a freak of nature – one that won’t make it. I think of suicide…. But I know that is yet another drama and a very selfish one. Please…please, hear my self-indulgent prayer and show me what to do? Thank you for listening and I hope to come here more often. Amen.’
Then you wait. You feel a little better just for telling some one, for getting it off your chest – but now what do you do? You switch on the TV and wait for an answer to come; maybe it will be a sign, maybe it will be a message from someone else…. ‘Maybe he will even speak to me…’ You start imagining angels and lights and all sorts while the flickering of the TV stays lodged within the corner of your eye.
And now your 90. Imagine that you are 90 and have lived a long and fulfilling life – the kind of life that means you have met your demons/shortcomings and come to peace within yourself. What happened? How did you learn? What answered your prayer? Maybe there were signs, answers and opportunities but actually for you, it was one simple thing …TIME. Over time you have seen that dramas, inside and out, lose their impetus eventually – and any remaining are outdated and inconsequential. Over time you see that what bothered you when you were ten, didn’t anymore when you were twenty because you had greater perspective by then and could see it in context with something much bigger than the event itself. Over time you realised that you will die and all of these dramas will die with you because whatever the drama is on the outside, only remains on the inside if it sticks – and it can only stick if it has something to stick onto – and that is normally another drama that has come before it. Over time you remember how you were before the dramas – how simple it was then, before you were clogged up with opinions and fears, funding a will to determinedly get your own way – or at the other extreme, give up like a victim and let others get their own way – which really wasn’t much different to your way anyway.
Over time you have witnessed the futility of drama taken as reality. Over time you have let it all go – bit by bit and sometimes whole belief systems at a time – so now you are free of the illusions that haunted you and prohibited you from just ‘being’ in the world without having to fight, or prove yourself to anyone or anything, including your egotistical SELF!
Through this life of yours, you had partnerships – and you would of course immerse yourself in their dramas amongst many others, as they would with yours also. These partnerships followed the same chaotic pattern with the same frustrations as your singular life – seeming that much more dramatic and chaotic with two sets of everything to consider. You remember wanting a certain person to be with you that would appease your needs as you were prepared to appease theirs and make you feel good about yourself and free in your inner world – but none of that had come to pass. You realise that it was a double-drama structure that you were both caught within and whether the partner you were with had blue eyes or green, was younger or older had long legs or nice hair, was creative or religious, bad-tempered or adventurous – however they were- you didn’t really see them through your own sticky dramatic inner world. You moved on from one to another until finally you found one that seemed different but even this was a drama – the ‘different’ drama – because actually, you could be with anyone at all and yet still it would be the same as long as your dramas filled your inner world – they would also be fulfilled on the outside.
So the question is – how can we remove ourselves from the world of drama – rather than wait until TIME delivers us our greater picture… our fuller perspective?
Can we live within drama and yet apart from it?
Over the next few weeks, various complimentary additions to this article will be uploaded including filmed interviews with the general public asking them, 1. Is there a difference between drama and reality? and 2. How can we know the difference between drama and reality?
Thank you for reading. Comments welcome.
© 2015 Sarita Perrott. All Rights Reserved.