Please Don’t Steal My Baby: Professional Abduction.

ImpermanenceThe first two articles within the category, ‘Being Human – The Way We Can Become’ discuss the inherent misery often arising in cases of forced adoption and then the bias towards mothers within the family court scenario – as well as the unavailability of legal aid for fathers. This article focusses on the various situations that mothers can find themselves in when faced with the family court system. It is true that men experience an immediate inequality through their inability to secure legal aid and therefore to professionally represent themselves in court – but actually mothers can find themselves in the same position and there are some events women encounter, which can only be described as rape. If you feel this is an exaggeration – then please substitute your own word for what is happening when a good mother has her baby taken away at birth? She is in a vulnerable state having just endured labour and then the birth of her own flesh and blood – and now an authority is taking her child and she is impotent to effect the situation. The baby is not anyone else’s to have. It is the mothers baby and yet it it taken from her against her will. In some cases it is even taken from a mother immediately after the birth and in the case of a Caesarean Section where the mother has had to receive a general anaesthetic, there is no contact for her with her newborn baby at all, permanently.

This seems such a barbaric picture but sadly there is even more. Three decades ago when a young lady became pregnant, she entered into a whole world of celebration and support from midwives, doctors, nurses, family and friends. If she was a very young mum in her mid-teens for example, she would receive guidance, financial help, encouragement and praise instead of having to be afraid that her youth and lack of experience was in some way going to lose her child. Now we read of teenage suicides that have occurred as a result of emotional overload heaped onto young mothers via services that were once there to protect and nurture young mums. I deliberated over including last year’s victims within this article but have opted not to in respect of their families and friends. They are terribly sad stories that highlight a failing system and an urgent problem to be solved as a priority if more young girls are to be saved from the same desperate fate.

My research began with the plight of fathers within the family court system, and I can honestly state that I was surprised  when I began to hear from mothers, at some of the one hundred percent unenviable positions they had found themselves in. Women at the mercy of a court with a bias in favour of a violent and deceitful  ex-partner intent on remaining in  their lives. Women who returned home to find their children gone – and who were then flooded with allegations of abuse against them. Women warned by Social Services to either separate from their partners, or lose their children. Women left grieving and broken through Social Services putting their children into care, due to a past aggressor being released from prison and posing a possible risk to both them and their children. Women who were drugged to discredit them, women dealing with falsified documents against them and allegations of medical, educational or emotional neglect towards their children and lastly, women whose cases arise in the first place, as a result of  malicious, revengeful attacks arising from completely independent events. Then there are the dozens of women who in one moment were collecting their children from school, having their children’s friends to stay over and planning their future together with their husband – and the next under a ‘gagging order’ whilst their children were given to adoptive parents never to be seen again. I cannot possibly outline all of the different situations that arise for women, but the examples I have cited will give you a fair idea, that it really is not just men who are suffering the inadequacy and corruption of the British family courts.

In all my research so far, I can honestly state that although their are casualties on both sides when looking at men’s and women’s stories collectively, the most excruciating accounts of extreme torture came from women and I think the main cause of this, is the physical abuse women often endure before then being made impotent via the family courts, to keep their aggressor away from them and their children. Either parent can become toxic within a breakup – but where there is physical violence, it adds a whole new dimension. When the services that are meant to protect us fail us and leave women and children vulnerable to physical threat, the family is unable to operate as they were in the safety of their own boundaries and are instead forced into the hands of a family court system who often put them through many unnecessary hoops while they try to access the situation and still arrive at a disastrous result. I am not insinuating that all cases involve professional cack-handedness, and accidental or intentional malpractice, but there are far too many cases to pass off as just glitches in and otherwise successful system.

There is another example that comes easily to mind when I am looking at the suffering of men and women involved in the family court scenario, which again, for me, equates to living hell. When a women gives birth the baby is born from and through her body and it attached to it until the umbilical cord has been cut. In essence prior to that it had been a part of her. Although a man knows that he helped to create the child, he does not experience this same bond, even if he does experience a physical bond with the baby before it is born, that will be most likely experienced as outside of his own body. When a baby is taken from the mother soon after it is born, the mother quite literally experiences it as if she is also being taken – and yet she is still here. This discord can be so disruptive as to be intolerable and mothers in this state need to be surrounded with kindness and support as it is a very precarious inner state to balance and can lead to a breakdown of identity and subsequent emotional meltdown too. It is no wonder that there are increasing reports of teen mum’s taking their own lives – it is a huge cross to bear even for mature and well-travelled women.

I am going to say this because 1. I am a woman and 2. therefore I can’t truly say how objective I am when I start talking about women’s within this topic – but in my experience it’s true that women can get high and mighty and yes revengeful if not bitter and yup, twisted too. In my experience men have a different brand of ‘nasty’ but neither male aggression and manipulation or female psychological games and manipulation (I mention stereotypes as examples only) does anyone any good – and neither look out for the children at all. I know that readers may have another point of view – but my own research has brought me to believe that the resolution of this rather toxic dynamic relies on both parents remembering their responsibilities towards one another as parents and their commitment towards their children’s wellbeing, and creating between them a situation that allows their children to get the very best of both of them.

There are further examples such as when women are accused of medical or educational neglect for example and find their lives being examined in great details, past and present, as if the services who would usually support, are actually aiming to find any reason to take their children away from them but medical kidnap, including educational kidnap cases deserve their own attention and will be discussed in a further article within this section.

There are also cases of mothers who as I write lie incarcerated in prisons for being in contempt of court whilst refusing to be silenced. It is not just men that go to jail -and judges do not always err on the side of caution in the mothers favour. To all you good dads out there, there really are sincere mums locked up in prison for attempting to save their children from the custody or care of ex partner’s who spent their time within the family, terrorising them all. One disabled mature mum reported to me that she had already raised three children to their teens ‘without him’ and hardly needed him to re-enter their lives to reign with violence and terror again.’ However, the family courts in effect, ordered her very aggressive partner back into their lives via contact centre visits which she was supposed to support – waving the ‘disability card’ in their face. The court stated that due to her disability her children may well be losing out on a full active life and that the rekindling of the relationship with their father, m,ay well remedy the problem. The children involved were all of an age to be able to speak up for themselves – but the court alleged that they were being manipulated to not want to see him. So we need to be very clear about something at this juncture, both mums and dads are often facing the inability of the family courts to provide the service that is really needed for separting partners. 

Arriving at a clear conclusion about the British family court scenario can be totally traumatising to those who have trawled through it to get there. However, once we are clear what we are dealing with, it is plain to see that parents are far better off trying to sort out their own separations amicably enough for it not to ever get as far as the court rooms. This means for resisting using all that we know about our ex-partner to character assassinate them, whether we are male or female. It means caring more about our parenting than our failed relationship. It means prioritising the feelings of our children before out own and this can be markedly difficult if we have not seen our children as people in their own right.

Many mothers in the case of family breakdown become highly protective of themselves emotionally and their attachment to their children leads them to feel vulnerable in the face of them spending time with someone that they no longer feel an affinity with. In the case of their ex finding a new partner, they fear the influence of another woman in their child’s life (just as a man often does) and this can be enough to create a longstanding conflict, even if she has a new partner of her own. I think this is due to the physical bond mothers and children often have through carrying their child and giving birth to them. It isn’t so much that it gives them a sense of ownership – but it does lead to mothers feeling this extra tie with their children and often along with that, extra rights. The reason I am highlighting this in this article, is because I think it is often overlooked in preference to tired, easily found reasons for women who appear to be possessive over their children. Yes, there can be mind games and revenge and it is true that women especially are drawn to neat little bundles when it comes to their children and family life, so often, an ex-partner can turn out to be an inconvenience. But even amongst women who are agreeable to their children maintaining contact with the absent father, there are cases where women experience what can only be labelled as ‘separation anxiety’ and my own opinion, is that this arises through their physical attachment with their child and an organic fear when their children are not within the safety of their own parameters. In cases where there has been past physical abuse towards the mother, it is therefore understandable that she would resist any contact between her past aggressor and their children even in a supervised environment.

If parents can come to better understand one another, then we have a chance to turn the current unsatisfactory status quo around. The family court process is unpleasant at best and destructive at worst and while the court staff are all being paid their wages, the cases within the court walls scream to be publicised – yet are committed to silence.

I hope we can rise to what is needed.

Over the next few weeks, I will be interviewing motjhers who have tasted the sourness of the family court system and wish to share their story. If you are reading this article and would like to become involved, please do get in touch here: https://anotherangleforthebrave.com/contact-2/

Thank you for reading. Comments welcome.

© 2015 Sarita Perrott. All Rights Reserved.

When Safety Dissolves: Forced Adoption.

Introduction

The first category of articles,’Being Human – The Way We Are,’ go some way to differentiating between reaction and response – and perhaps you agree that well thought out responses to situations, are often indeed preferable to lunging reactions? However, we are creatures of habit and habit tends to be comfortable by default, so even if we do agree to change even one habit, this alone raises many other aspects of ourselves to look at simultaneously. If the subject of the reaction is fairly superficial such as feelings of impatience whilst waiting to be served at a till or perhaps struggling to bear someone’s bad driving, then we have both the time and space to keep working to stop our reactions and to place reasonable, relevant statements in their place, largely reminding ourselves that there are many ways to view a situation, and not just the negative stance that we are taking at the time.

However, can we use this same thinking when confronted with extreme situations involving highly conflicting emotions where reactions are to the fore?

Our second category, ‘Being Human – The Way We Can Be,’ attempts to delve into and better understand the relationship between our defensive egotistical selves and the rest of us.  As part and parcel of this category, contentious and therefore potentially deeply distressing topics will be explored and we begin with this first article, When Safety Dissolves: Forced Adoption, exploring the effect on families who find their lives turned upside down by corrupt cards dealt by the family courts. Readers will be invited to contribute through text, audio and filmed interviews arranged by prior arrangement.

When Safety Dissolves: Forced Adoption.

People often use the expression ‘what a nightmare’ to mean a tricky situation holding much perceived challenge – but there is a different level of nightmare that can lead to real terror, when the services that we are raised to respect and to trust, apparently turn against us. There are many reported scenarios involving different services, highlighting the gross malpractice of the professionals involved, as well as the the in-house solidarity found between colleagues and even governing authorities, whilst hiding their professional crimes. Malpractice can be truly disconcerting within any arena but when it arises within governmental processes in place to protect our children and our family life, it becomes frightening and of paramount importance to rectify as a matter of urgency. There is no better example of this than within cases of threatened forced adoption.

It is worth noting that forced adoptions are not sanctioned anywhere other than England and the profit made from each adoption, is likely to come as a surprise to most people, as it certainly did to me. Granted, there are family scenarios that do call for progressive state intervention and this article is not putting all adoptions under one critical umbrella. However, when children are taken from good homes, records falsified, and parents gagged, families are thrown into living hell as they witness their children in effect being kidnapped by the state and forced to live with strangers – while they are completely impotent to act.

I was a young mum myself over thirty years ago now. By the time I was eighteen years old I was a mum to three children under five years old. I knew that I had my mother’s and some support and although it was still taboo for someone so young to become pregnant, I was clear of the dark ages of scorn, humiliation and rejection. My midwife carried herself with pride about her young mum who did everything right and liked to be independent and strong. She used me at times as inspiration for other older mothers, telling them, “Well if our young mum can do it, then so can the rest of us can’t we.” Life as a parent was colourful, challenging and deeply rewarding. The journey with our own children, learning and growing alongside them, is there to be cherished and enjoyed. I knew that my health visitor and midwife were on hand should I have needed them. I had a supportive mum and never had to feel isolated or panicked.

Over the course of my parenting, at times I made mistakes or didn’t manage a task or many tasks as well as I would have liked to. I did berate myself at times but constantly reminded myself that we are all works in progress and that my children weren’t coming to any harm. They all knew that they were deeply loved and I raised them using a peaceful world mantra, ‘Live and Let Live.’ There were some awfully challenging times and in hindsight, there are some choices that I would not repeat given the same circumstances but I chose to the best of my ability each time and my children, now in their thirties, accept our history and me, as I do them and we couldn’t be more grateful for the journey we’ve shared together…and still do.

When speaking about forced adoptions with victimised parents, it has occurred to me on many occasion that the sins of the present according to Social Services, are most definitely NOT sins of the past. Nowadays, parents can be reprimanded and even penalised for a range of activities that were quite acceptable thirty years ago. I am not referring to anything even slightly extreme; parents may be seen as neglectful towards their children for missing an appointment, for their children’s late arrival at school, for the time they choose to feed them after school, for a missed meal, scruffy attire, wrong shoes, wrong choice of nappies, for feeding a baby for too long and so the list goes on. If we were to place the same boundaries on parenting thirty years ago, everybody’s children would have been taken away from them.

As if it isn’t concerning enough that parents can be judged and punished for a range of moderate family behaviours and situations, perhaps even more worryingly, parents can find themselves under the threat of penalisation and even incarceration for exercising their legal and parental rights in the face of their own child’s abuse. The state says that ‘it likes to be involved in cases of abuse’ and yet it doesn’t necessarily properly take on board allegations of abuse – and when it does, can often find itself working with falsified documents, deceitful accusations and biased Social Workers and Cafcass Officers. In the meantime, time passes and alienation between parent and child begins and good parents are forced to jump  many unnecessary hoops to prove themselves. While each parenting process unfolds, the adoption paperwork is satisfied and processed, so that by the time the parents have disproved all allegations against them, they can be told that it is ‘too late’ for them to have their child/children returned to them. They are left childless, or looking after their remaining grieving family after one sibling has been taken. They are left asking themselves, how one year away from them out of their child’s life , adds up to it being ‘too late’ for their child to return home? And it leaves them asking the question, “Exactly what ways do the state  want to be involved in cases of child abuse – and why?”

As a young mum, I did not fear any services, I trusted them. I didn’t fear letting on that I was over-tired when I was breast-feeding my second child when my first was just three months old. I wasn’t ordered to feed them for a specific amount of time, nor did I face challenges from my midwife. I didn’t feel that there was a risk of unfriendly neighbours making up rumours that may lead to my children being taken away from me and put into care. I didn’t worry that if I didn’t manage well enough, my baby, my toddler, my own beautiful and sacred flesh and blood would be ripped from my life. The relationship between my children and I, with all of it’s richness, was between us. I was mummy and what I said was important, what I learnt about my children and their needs was specific to them and wise – and born following many, many moments spent with them in all sorts of different scenarios. I didn’t fear that being a young mum I was being watched, judged and criticised. I knew that if I needed help it was there without question. Surely regardless and including all the changes over the years, this is what the services should still be providing?

One of the the most popular phrases included in the sanctioning by Social Services of forced adoption is, ‘the risk of future emotional harm.’ Of course there are cases where it is imperative to remove a child from an environment that has proved to be damaging to it and within circumstances which cannot readily benefit from support work. However, this article refers to the countless parents who having already completed the Social Security set tasks demanded of them, found their children being taken from them via this overused premise alone…’the risk of future emotional harm. A premise that cannot either be proved or disproved – in fact one that can be decided, written and acted on, according to a professional hunch or whim – or even worse, personal bias.

You may be familiar with the phrase ‘gagging order’ in relation to the family courts but what does it mean? The family court states that when parents are ordered not to disclose the progress of their case with others, it is in protection of the children. However, these gagging orders are often  put into place in cases of forced adoption, prohibiting parents and children from enlisting the support they need to help them to contest the proposed adoption. Adoptions are processed with fewer delays and therefore parents can find their children living with another family in the spate of several short months, whilst being unable to communicate with anyone other than the professionals involved, for fear of being in contempt of court. We will be discussing this topic further within the case history section of this article.

Many who judge Social Services as being prone to ‘knee-jerk’ reactions, attribute them to a history of insufficiently dealt with extreme cases where children who could have been saved, slipped through the net. However, this simply doesn’t hold weight when there are so many cases of children needing protection, being left to be abused and even placed with abusers – and then others who are taken from good families to live with people they don’t know. I have tried to keep a level head through the research I have conducted over the last sixteen months and time and time again, I have found myself confronted with the apparently impenetrable walls of our family court system – The Secret Courts – so when I began to hear about covert agendas within the family court system, I was receptive to try and better understand what may be occurring. You will probably agree that it is initially challenging to consider that governmental financial profit could be the motivation behind forced adoptions but this is what people were telling me.

It has been altogether challenging to research care, fostering, adoption and abuse statistics  because there is simply too much disparity between the figures readily and even less readily available – so my research is based on qualitative research. There is a stark contrast between bearing witness to a family torn apart by the family court system and then to browsing colourfully alluring adoption sites, advertising children like merchandise. Petitions, EDMs and letters come and go and each week I speak with another group of traumatised parents who have had their children taken from them. Parents ask for the child protection laws to be changed to bring in greater immediacy within child orientated court cases, so that children and parents don’t suffer traumatising separation, often times leading to estrangement and secondary difficulties that could have easily been avoided. Parents know that their children can be terrorised, bribed, lied to, manipulated and forced and where there is a particularly toxic and self-serving ex-partner, children and absent parents can be literally toyed with, for many months or even years by their ex-partner, supported by the family court system.

The boundaries and guidelines around adoption are clear and where children are forcibly adopted, the process is usually a closed deal. What does that mean? In many cases after children have settled into their newly adopted family environment, contact with the birth parents may continue fluently and as part and parcel of the child’s care plan. If there are no obstacles related to the safety of the child/children, then there is no need for them to be prohibited from seeing the natural parents.  In cases where the parent/s it suspected of being unable to care properly for the child/children, post adoptive contact may be moderated and develop in accordance with both the progress of the child and the capability of the parent/s. If there is a risk of parents harming their children, there is unlikely to be post adoption contact. In the case of forced adoptions, there are none of these options. Once children have been placed with their new families, their birth parents are prohibited from further contact with them. They are denied any knowledge of their whereabouts or wellbeing and are left bereft and impotent to influence the situation.

We know that families can be complex and problems within a family can be multi-dimensional, so how is it, that once under the eagle eye of the family courts, we as parents seem to be so easily deemed unacceptable?Another Angle For The Brave invite readers to contribute their own experiences of the family court system, especially related to forced adoptions. By sharing experiences, we can close the gap between those who have experienced the extremes of life and of society and those who remain blissfully ignorant – and in so doing, bring these less aired life situations, into the light of mainstream awareness.

Please make contact to arrange your interview or to find out more.

Thank you for reading. Comments Welcome.

© 2015 Sarita Perrott. All Rights Reserved.

Freedom To Choose.

Introduction.

The previous and fourth article in the category of ‘Being Human – The Way We Are’ – Surpassing Our Natural State Or Weakness – concludes leaving the reader with a question:

‘We cannot change in one step but if we have a heartfelt wish to change, we can choose and then forge ourselves a new path can’t we?’ This may have hinted at a further article related to truth-seeking and esoteric ideas, but being as I am still very much a student in this way, I will not be attempting to as one great guru described it, ‘re-write the book.’ In other words, there is already so much useful and readily available material on the topic of spiritual growth, that there is no need to repeat it and more so, no need to risk distorting what is already written about so well. However, you are more than welcome to contact me should you wish to enquire or to discuss the subject further.

The fifth article within the ‘Being Human – The Way We Are’ category, Freedom To Choose, consolidates the main points of the first four articles, whilst focussing on what we can actually do ourselves to become people who choose, rather than people who guess, hide, pretend, copy, lie and react and then make do with the results. We have looked a little at the idea of drama playing out in our lives and mentioned the disease that this can lead to if left unchecked. We’ve also examined the principle, ‘We reap what we sow’ and considered how it works in our lives. Finally we have considered some of the foibles of our natural state and the idea of choice related to change. This article attempts to bring these ideas together adding perspective along the way.

Freedom To Choose.

It could be said that we are born into a potentially dramatic world where there are so many views, opinions and attachments, it can be hard to make head or tail of very much at all. However, this doesn’t mean to say that we are sentenced to being thrown into one dramatic circumstance after another without any choice on our part – we could even consider going against the flow. Perhaps it’s simply easier to ‘just go with the flow?’ I think it can certainly look like it at times and it’s certainly apparent pretty quickly to anyone who tries to go against the grain, that there are many obstacles along the way. Nevertheless, without making concerted efforts to challenge what we are experiencing at times, we are likely to simply move autonomously from drama to drama, ageing along the way.

If we decide that we are fed up of living within different dramas without much real connection going on between the parties involved, what can we actually do about it if anything at all? I think this leads to another more profound question: How can we KNOW that we are caught up in drama at the time? It can be easier to see in hindsight that we allowed ourselves to be carried along by reactionary thinking and associated emotions… but how can we remember it at the time that it is happening, so that we might have a chance to step back and look at it with new eyes from an unadulterated, clear perspective and be able to control any parts of us that wish to manifest negatively?  To reiterate, I am not about to write a recapitulation on the works of our greatest psychologists and philosophers who include certain methods and principles for dealing with our autonomous structure and associated habits – but the material is available. No, I am asking the question in layman’s terms. How can we remind ourselves of our better selves, so as not to become lost when our thoughts and emotions are drawn into yet another dramatic scenario?

When I asked myself this question I looked back into my late teens, a time before I had begun studying esotericism in a specific form – and remembered what I did to do keep myself on my toes in this way. One of the techniques I found very helpful, was in response to tricky situations, I would make notes and stick them around the house that might have said for example: ‘Turn the other cheek’ (reminding me that when someone was mean, there was no use in being mean back) – or ‘Be humble’ (reminding me in the face of life’s challenges, that we are ALL STRUGGLING and to be patient) – or another one was ‘Every bad word you say about another you are saying to yourself’ (reminding me that everything that we give out comes back to us and making me realise that words do hurt, they do hold weight, it is NOT just sticks and stones that hurt – and to be careful and cautious with my tongue). These are just three of many, as I had dozens of notes put up in places around my house where I knew I would notice them  and I was constantly replacing them or adding to them as and when I knew I needed a critical reminder. Moments where I could have fallen into negativity became less as a result and I found myself increasingly relaxed and less and less afraid. I felt more able to be kind and to allow for other people’s weaknesses and unpleasantnesses.

Each person’s notes will be different depending on where they are in themselves at the time and what they are needing to remind themselves of. The hub of this way forward, is a sincere wish to not react and to grow stronger in the face of others unpleasant ways of being, rather than to add fuel to the negative fire so to speak. But why would we take this tac in preference to just lashing out and stopping our discomfort there and then or at least trying to? This is a really worthwhile question, especially in today’s political climate as many would reason to NOT lash out, reveals weakness and vulnerability and invites further trouble. Is this true?

We have a habit of thinking in opposites; right and wrong, up and down, left and right, should I or shouldn’t I? etc and this very automatic way of thinking limits us severely. If you take any subject for yourself and attach either right or wrong, good or bad, nice or horrid etc – what do you find? When I tried it, I found that many situations didn’t really fit into one category or the other – they could be a little of both, sometimes more one and sometimes more the other. Not only that, as I looked further, I realised that when we are caught up in drama and emotions are running high, we enter this restricting way of thinking and all the other details in the greater picture become lost. Then once we have ‘calmed down’ and looked back on it (hindsight), we are able to consider several lines of thought and feeling all coming from the same situation, that we did not consider at the time, because we became so dramatic that we lost the whole picture!

Bearing this in mind, it would surely be tantamount to absurdity to allow that kind of thinking to be at the helm of our efforts to grow stronger and to resist lashing out. We cannot rely on limitations such as ‘Good or bad,’ Nice or horrid,’ Pretty or ugly,’ ‘Intelligent or thick’ and so on – as this way of thinking see-saws our associated thoughts and emotions in a most chaotic manner and takes the rest of our life experience with it. We need to work to consider that there are many threads, many possible lines of action and therefore many potential choices flowing from each subject… Remembering this, allows us the possibility of replacing old, outdated ideas that do not work anymore… if they ever did – with new progressive thoughts.

So these notes can be gold-dust. Granted they won’t be pinned up in the streets when you are shopping and maybe not even at work – but at home, you can put them everywhere and anywhere that you will see them and just as you are about to react to a call, or a neighbour, or your children, or your partner you will notice one of them… ‘Count to ten first then respond,’ ‘Remember to be a yes mum whenever you can’ or ‘Be kind to others as you would have them be kind to you.’ Initially, you may read a note and shout at it because you are caught in a drama raging inside you at the time and the note just doesn’t seem to touch the sides. But as time goes on and with repetition, you will become better at talking to your trickier sides in your notes and this will enable you to make them more personal to the moments that you struggle with in your life. Before you know it, you will have built a basic tool set for dealing with unpleasant things that come your way and all whilst not reacting and lashing out i.e. without chucking stones.

This way of responding to life’s impressions, leaves us free of negative reactions and compromise and subsequent guilty conscience and halts our natural instinct to lash out when we feel offended in some way. Guilt and compromise along with an array of other negative emotions, great tension adversely effect many functions of the body and eventually leading to disease. To be free of reaction is to be someway free of the risk of disease and it also means that we are not contributing to anyone else’s struggles. A man who has attacked another cannot see himself or his behaviour whilst he is experiencing his horrid revenge; it is in his victim’s absence that he is most likely to be able to see himself. We can use this idea to support those who are reacting negatively –  we can effectively become ‘absent’ by refusing to jump on the same bandwagon with them whilst at the same time not taking an opposing side. Even if the negativity is aimed at us we can do the same. We can remember that they are simply in a state of reaction, before humbly apologising (so as not to antagonise them further), therefore offering them gentle conditions to be able to reflect and review the situation in their own time. There are so very many distractions in life that it can be really hard to stay on task but each altercation, each unpleasant moment, can signal another opportunity to strengthen in this way and eventually, you may even welcome the challenge of other people’s unpleasant behaviours as a chance to ‘get over yourself’ and free yourself of reaction to others.

I have heard many a person wish that they could be witness to someone else’s karma but usually out of revenge after having felt slighted, after competing and losing, or in acute frustration at the seemingly easy life of someone they feel does not deserve it. In my view quite honestly, this is not how I have witnessed Karma at work and anyway, waiting for someone else’s ripples to come back and hurt them, means we are not focussing on our own Karma. We don’t know the lessons that another person needs or the timing of the prescribed lessons, so we may be waiting for a very long time. Why? a. Because there are actually SO very many moments and experiences that make up one person’s life, that we cannot possibly know the Karma that they are creating and reaping and b. We don’t know when Karmic lessons will be presented to us, let alone someone else.  However, if we were able to see exactly the ripples that we send out and had a good understanding of how things connect, then we could be more on top of our game couldn’t we; So that when we did inadvertently chuck a stone, we could note it, seek to correct our error bringing it into balance, and therefore eradicate the need for the karmic lesson that may well have followed. Let’s use an example to look at what this actually means.

Person A has been mean to Person B. The ripples that Person A has sent out from the stone that they chucked, are full of blame and anger. Person A has successfully thrown a stone whose ripples on their way out, really hurt another person. Person A reflects on his day and at first feels just as angry and just as justified. Later on that night he watches a film and it reminds him how easily good people can and often do make mistakes and yet how keen they are  to point the finger at each other. After reflecting on his own behaviour he feels awkward and then sorry for the way he lunged at another struggling human being. He commits to ensure that the next meeting with Person B is apologetic and maybe he will even mention the film to him too. By arriving at these ideas himself, why would he now need Karma to deliver a situation to teach him? He threw a stone and hurt Person B on the way out – but now he has developed, he is no longer the stone that created the ripples – so they cannot come back to him and hurt him too. He has already acknowledged his weakness and paid the price. If Person A had not learnt his lesson, then Karma may have seen him in the same position as Person B as the very same ripples that he sent out would have come back to him. In the same light, if Person B is able to recognise that Person A was reacting and did not mean to point the finger, Person B can choose to resist throwing stones and avoid inviting bad Karma to himself. This is what I understand about Karma. Bad Karma should be renamed, The Teacher With The Twinkling Eyes.

There are some amazing sensitive souls who have studied the relationship between our bodies, feelings and thoughts. One such a person is a lady named Louise Hay who explains how matters left to fester on a thinking or feeling level can easily begin to adversely effect our bodies. Over the years I have researched, challenged and checked this idea repeatedly and for myself, found it to be true. There are some very obvious and direct examples – like the illness that can arise if a person consistently complains for example. A person full of complaint, sports a certain tone, a certain manner, certain physical postures and habits and all the while that they are held by their negative thoughts and emotions, there is much tension in their body hindering the free-flow of its usual functioning.  To understand this clearly, envisage a depressed person bouncing in the room with a huge smile on their face… it just doesn’t happen does it? Or a person full of revenge practising postures in a Yoga class….The truth is that our emotional and mental state, very much dictates not just our health, but also what we send out to the world and what we then receive. Is this worth some thought? If you knew for sure that your negative thoughts and associated reactions would in turn leave you unwell and spread illness to others, wouldn’t you want to learn to think better thoughts?

Maybe you already have your finger on the pulse in this way and have studied many ideas. There are certainly countless examples related to the effect of negative thoughts and emotions, arising from different belief systems. For example you may have heard of a man named Dr Emoto who has published his findings regarding the properties of water and speaks to us about how we can be instrumental in using this knowledge to our advantage. Once we realise the delicacy and receptivity of those around us and ourselves, however robust and impenetrable they may appear to be, it becomes obvious that there really is profound work that we can do, IF we choose to trade negativity and lashing out, for practising awareness and consideration of others. Dr Emoto teaches us that we are life, organic matter and largely made of water which transmits messages easily. So if we are spending our time generating negative thoughts and feelings, we are literally intoxicating our bodies and those around us who are unable to fend it off. Surely this is worth some contemplation – because if it it as easy as that to impact one another, surely we would want to utilise our watery selves to heal one another, wouldn’t we? 

There are many people who would assert that we do make choices every day but this article differentiates between the reactionary decisions we often make on the hoof and those we make after much reflection, deliberation and consideration of the whole. This second way of considering moments that call for choices, needs an intelligent and unfettered centre of gravity. It is not possible to choose well from a chaotic foundation and yet without work on ourselves to first notice drama when it presents itself and to practise not throwing stones and pausing the momentums already driving us, chaotic choices are all that are available to us. Until we have worked on ourselves to become at the very least generally non-reactionary in our ordinary lives, we have no hope of really choosing. Until we have created reliable internal dialogue to catch those moments where we would normally react and blurt, our perspective of life will remain the same and we will be unable to change anything of significance.

I realise while writing this article, that perspectives on these ideas may vary hugely from person to person and even within the same person at different times according to circumstance and an array of other considerations. However, the proof of the pudding is in the personal application of these ideas, so you can see for yourself if they are useful to you.

At the very least, please remember that we are largely made of water and that each message that you deliver to yourself or to someone else can alter the makeup of that water and create toxicity and disease – or positivity and healing. In this way we really do become what we feel. Our Karma is in our hands.

Thank you for reading. Comments welcome.

© 2015 Sarita Perrott. All Rights Reserved.